I want to..

Why... Why I'm changing.. why.. I told myself that I'm doing this for him... Or more I'm doing it for her best... But why am I falling deeper and deeper... I tried resisting, but why it always ended up with my heart getting this heavy... My mind just want to scream so badly I Like you.. but my heart just could beat and quietly be by your side.. to tell you the truth except this... Cause All I want to do is to make you happy... But all I'm seeing now is I'm making things complicated and you are frustrated and annoyed by me... I must really stop going deeper and deeper.. let the water drown my body and take along this feeling for you together... Let my soul turn cold and avoid from making you sad...

Its been a week

Its been a long time since I last posted,about the recent updates... The past few days was due to the bad line problem faced in the campus.. but in return I never knew that this girl that made me skip a beat.. turns out to be the first girl which I comfortably talk with.. the way she thinks and the things she want seem utterly different from what many girl would think and want.. she's finding for someone which she can walk the long winding road with in a slow and comfortable pace... She the one I've been looking for.. and now she is right in front of me.. but yet I know where I stand.. and today I got my confirmation that this guy really likes her... I can see it through his expression and in the same time I just didn't know why I would run the whole distance just to give her back her pendrive... And if the world really ends.. I guess she will be last one that really took my heart away...

Day 2 - It is okay..

Sometimes it may seem selfish.. but I rather be one than to be the one that scar you life.. I'm nothing good.. or in another way of saying is that I'm only capable hurting you more than trying to create more happy moments for you.. if he is the guy which can bring you more happiness than sadness.. I would be more obligated to make you his.. though it may hurt and unbearable for me.. but your happiness will be mine.. cause it's okay..

Day 1 - I'm Officially Back

I thought I had abandon this blog,
This very blog which records ever single sadness and scar left in my life,
I never even think that I would blog again.. or rather I never even think that i would fall for someone anymore,
I thought The wall I created around was thick and tall enough.. and till now it's strong..
But the problem is that I'm the one whom had decide to walk out of the encircling wall,
And now I'm back here telling again a new chapter of a brand new sadness..

Mission 1...Distancing
I felt that this guy like her.. And they said it wasnt her type.. but what i could think was like that time I went for a girl which clearly I wasnt her type.. but in the end when she decides to fall it was too late.. I moved on..
So though I like this girl now.. but everytime I see that guy, It really reminds of me in the past..

Many said sometimes you gotta be selfish in certain things especially in things that you want,
but if I'm being selfish, I'm just being someone that hurts me in the past..
And how sure can I be that she even likes me,
Look at me.. I'm nothing.. I have nothing at all..
That's why I decided to go for Mission 1 - Distancing..
I guess it's time for me to know my place..
I should stop doing things that attract her attention,
Though that's the only way to make her look at me,
Still It's for the Best..
Hopefully Mission 1 will be of a success..
Hopefully that I can prove that even if you are not someone's type.. with sincerety and patience.. Nothing can stop you at all..
Though it hurts.. It's for the Best..
That's for her best..

Is it the right choice..

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore... Why am I choosing the same path.. knowing that all it leads is the sadness that I once experienced.. why am I still making this choice.. I really tried asking my heart.. why.. I could never be sure that she's the one that I've been hoping for.. nor can I say its just another fluke situation of my own confusion.. I really wanted to treat her nice, talk to her, get to really know her more than what I could see with my naked eyes.. but everytime I tried, I just felt scared, deep inside me was like having the fear of making her feel annoyed, leading to her avoiding me... And when I see this guy talking to her.. tapping her head, I felt a disturbance iny heart.. I felt sad in the same time envious.. but most of all.. I saw the both of them like they were meant for each other.. he's a nice guy, better than me in many ways.. so good that all I could think was she deserve a better guy than me.If I continued to do those stuff.. one day she might even hate me.. more than I could ever hate myself.. so as I started to quietly observe how he behaves, my suspicion that he likes her is getting stronger and stronger... It was like I have already lost the battle even without trying to fight.. That feeling was really hard to explain in words.. it was like I was happy that someone is treating her for what she deserved to be.. and in the same time I was devastated that I'm the end it comes to the same conclusion... What was I thinking.. from the start I didn't even stand I chance at all.. why did I walk out from the wall I built tall so hard.. did I really hope that I could broaden my horizon.. or I was just being naive from the very start till now.. Even though her friend said that the guy wasn't her type... I believe that if one is sincere, nothing matter at all.. you accept him/her for who they really are.. and even when her friend ask if she goes for me, will I consider it or not, deep inside me I wanted to just say really, she likes me.. then I just should had gone for her instead of her making the move.. but in the end, all I did was denied and said no way she will like me ,Just look at me.. I'm nothing and I have nothing.. he's better than me in many ways.. It hurts saying that.. but its okay.. she deserve someone which canake her smile instead of making her smile hiding a sad face behind it.. Just Deep inside me I wish I could be the one make her the happiest girl in the world.. but in reality, I just can't..

IT'S OKAY, LET IT BE, IT'S FOR THE BEST....

Is it real

I don't know what I'm suppose to feel anymore.. I wanted to help.. but it made me feel helpless..
Everyone have their own method of doing things... All I could do is to advise and be a listener most of the time... But in the end who is gonna be my listener..
I'm really not sure whether I had fell for someone or not.. but its really hard for me just to try to be nice.. it always lead to people misunderstood my intention.. but I in the same time do not prefer to bully her always.. haih.. decisions are hard to make as always..
And I dunno why but my instinct kept on telling me that that guy likes her.. I couldn't make any confirmation but I'm pretty sure my instincts were right...
Will I feel glad if he makes a move on her..... I dunno and hopefully I wouldn't know...

When does the time comes???

8 years passed so fast since the start of Secondary school life..

It took me one whole day to reminisce all those memories being a Student..
Those happy moments being with those whom shared the same interest,

The guy which I should have met sooner.. but it wasn't that late at all..

He show me to the world or Animation and Manga.. which is now one of my addictive habits..
He show me his world which was full of intriguing events.. His past was the knot of our friendship,

His sadness was the moment of our brotherhood..

He was the closest to me.. Yet now he is in a land.. far away from where I am..

All I could do was to wait for updates on his Facebook account and to call him out when he's back....
He is and will always be the guy that I'll want to be by his side.. to be a brother that knows no limit for he is Fook Khoon.. the guy that show me what true friendship was all about..

Next is when Form 6 life started.. A new journey had been taken.. New friends.. and brand new experience.. This time was the best schooling life I ever had.. Skipping classes,Sleeping in the class..

Be the guy whom everyone knows and everyone is like a family when I'm in Form 6.. many of us were from different school.. but together we created a large family.. Doing the orientation with the juniors was far most the best family activity we could ever do.. and never would I forget the guys from Band 6.. which was the best moments of my life.. Hanging out at Edmund's place for practice.. doing crazy stuff.. going for Minums always.. and becoming a family... Life will never be that satisfying if I had chosen to go private instead of Form 6... 

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That's only the Nice part.. when it comes to the heart-breaking moments.. I felt empty.. Hopeless..

All my time I kept trying to tell myself that I just got to love to be loved back..But things just doesn't seem so east at all.. I tried twice.. thinking that My feelings could open her heart... but I guess.. things weren't as naive as that.. And so it took me a year and ++ to just tell myself i'm ready to Move on.. i'm ready to just give it one more shot.. To tell life that i'm ready to love and be loved once more.. but.. When does the time comes to do that.. Should I just go for anyone.. or should I just wait for the right one to come and Singalfy me that she's waiting for me to just Say... "Hi, I'm Mathew, I may not be perfect now.. but I just wish that I could know you more and hope that you be the one that makes me a perfect guy"... When will the time come??..
When.. any Idea.. nope.. So for now I'm just again.. looking at others finding their other half.. having someone to care for.. to just text and talk anything.. at any time.. Man.. I'm kinda of a little Jealous...

Did you knew

Two years have past since then,
I thought that I could let those feelings go,
I thought that I moved on,
I thought that things gonna change for the better,
I thought...
Yet, now here I am typing out that I'm still the same guy,
The guy that once thought he could give everything he got,
The guy that was convinced that this girl is the one he's been waiting for,
The guy that ended up with a broken heart..
Now he's here asking to be shattered once more,
To be destroyed and rebuild as a new one..
TO be once call the guy that used to believe that he could love and be loved....

Those days..

When was the last time I posted something on this blog..
I was more than a Month.. the day my hardship got acknowledge was the last post I made,
during this one month.. Many things happened, yet I wasn't able to really voice out most of them
Blogging last time was for me to voice out those difficult times that no one could ever understand what i'm going through..
Now blogging is something for me to record those important days
Like today..
I've been left alone in a vast space of a house..
All ive been doing was my assessments and quizzes..
Yet i got time to think about what I really want in the period of 1 year..
And i could only thought of few..
which were..
1. I wanted to really maintain my grades.. It felt really good being capable in academic wise
2. I wanted to contribute more of my time in helping out those upcoming jumiors..
3. I wanted to go back home and just use the two months time to exercise and to hang out..
4. I obviously want to change a new phone.. HTC ONE X!!!
5.I've move on and i'm hoping you really do the same as well.. so for now i'm just looking for someone to text rather than just studying and reading my Manga's everyday..
6. I just want you to know even though I moved on.. Still The place you had in my heart stays the same.. Cause i still want you to know that I still care for you..

My FIRST ACADEMIC Achievement in 21 years..

After studying for like years.. this is my very first time to go on stage and receive a cert for my hardwork on my academic achievement.. it felt different.. I always thought that those whom got those award are just going for the paper.. but today.. this feeling was awesome.. I get to know seniors which tell me about their experience.. their journey at UMS.. It felt like i'm gonna make a journey of my own.. So i';ll study even harder.. my target is to try to collect 6 pieces of this for the whole 3 years of studying..

Look at me.. DO I GIVE A SHIT!!!

Does Numbers really mean so much to people..
Does it show how good one is in life..
Does it even leads to you thinking that i'm just a smart guy hiding my true colours..
IT DOES NOT TO ME!!!!

So what if I got great pointer for my examination...
I get it with my hard work and the effort I put is not even a litre lesser than how much others did..
But why does people like to compare my pointer with theirs..
It sick and tiring.. and worst of all you are comparing with me whom for the past 5 years no one bother to really know what I achieved in my examination..
That show's the real KIA SU people got in their heart..
I dont mind getting worst result for this semester.. but still
I want everyone to know that..
The day I start studying and work hard for a better future..
I did it not to show everyone I can..
I did it to tell myself that THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE...
My last door which leads to a better future..
and GUESS WHAT!!!
I DON'T PLAN TO DESTROY MY FUTURE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF TELLING YOU PEOPLE THAT YOU ALL TOO CAN GET THAT STUPID HIGH POINTER...

p.s :
I'm starting all my revision and updating my notes cause I WANT TO BE KIA SU!!!! MY WISH!!! FOF.MB.. in other words.. FUCK OFF FROM MY BUSINESS!!!!

Thoughts

It tiring sometimes being someone which never in my life I thought I would be..
So what getting a result so many people wanted to achieve..

All I want is a result which satisfy my hard work and all the tears in my heart..
And I studied not because I wanted to get good result..
I'm studying late nights just so I'm tired enough that I don't think much about you..
I'm trying my best to make up for what I abandon just to give more attention to you..
So don't judge me for whom I now..
Cause you don't know the me 4 years back...

1 year...

Time Passes like how the river flows endlessly..
It's almost a year.. or rather 8 more days to go..
The day I took my Result for STPM..
and the day you decided that I was just another guy you known..
A year passed since you turned me down..
I was sad, frustrated, set backed and most of all I lost the purpose of achieving something in Life..
You were the reason why I studied and worked hard for a better result,
But the answer you gave just made the Examination slip I took looked nothing but merely a piece of paper filled with blacked printing words..
It's true the days without any purpose was suffering..
But at least you show me that I was really just another guy which a million of even trillions of other guys outstands me..
but now a year had past and I'm still single..
But for sure i had moved on after some times..
And I wasn't expecting anything more from you any longer..
What I gained and learn over the past 1 years was..
I gained true friendship..
I learned that times does heals a broken heart..
and I found out that I was actually into studying and TOMOMI!!!
Life again serve me a purpose of living..
that's why time really changes everything.. including what's in the heart..

Was trying ever enough!!!

During those young age moments.. the naive thought that came across my mind was,
1. To be successful one must always study,
2. As long as you put something into your hearts things will bend according to your way..
3. Loving someone with all you got and showing it will eventually called as true love..
4. Flirting is bad for health and self esteem..
5. Doing homework makes someone smart as people will come to you to copy..
.........................................................
But as time pass.. I realize these are nonsense..
Cause to be successful.. you don't need to study.. all you need is time and chance..
No matter how much you put an effort into something things just don't come along you.. that's why it's call challenging..
True love doesn't mean you love someone so much and they will love you.. It's pure nonsense.. All we need is the right time which give the right click to the right moment..
Flirting is sometimes good.. cause it helps to think creative and learn to be more sociable..
Doing homework makes me look dumb as all will just take mine and copy.... might as well just copy people's...
That's what i call facts of life..
there are Times we need to think.. but most of the time thinking just complicates things..

Your Satisfaction or MINE!!!

I was once naive thinking that i could satisfy everyone's need.
Yet during form 6 I realize that this is but a fool's job to be done with,
and yet there's still a desire in me to help others..
Till that day when he told me this
"Do you think you are happy satisfying everyone's need while neglecting yours"
"Do you think that they will appreciate what you had done for them"
"You should be grateful that your help does not turn out to be an sore eye to them"
"Think about it.. did you really feel happy helping out"
"or most of the times you just think that you are but a burden to them"
"You are brought down to earth not to write story line of how other live"
"You are the writer of your own life"
Till today I remember those words..
It was meaningful.. yet painful in the same time..
As time pass I could say I live for myself for the first time..
Till I enter University...
Things were different..
There were many lost souls..
This happen around their surrounding is like a new thing to tackle with..
Yet for me it's like the old same scenes during form 6..
And once again I tried helping.. But it end up with me being helpless..
So still I chose to go with this..
I Live not to Satisfy your needs..
But mine..
As I'm the writer of my life and I decide how things goes on..
And sadly i got to tell you that You were just a side character in my write up..
No matter how things goes.. Band 6 will always be in the story..
As without them..
What would I be today..
Thanks for showing me to whats reality and
for giving me something I never thought of getting in this lifespan...

6th of December...

What today bring forth is another's days past..
everyday we are creating another page to enter our diary of the past..

My diary had been so interesting that  3 days and 3 nights of talking about it wont get it done..

So instead of looking back to the past..

I decided to look forward to another mysterious day which is the 7th..

Uni life may be hectic in a way with assignments and finals to prepare..

Yet no matter how hectic it is... 

there's always time to lean back and think about what could happen tomorrow..

yet.. It is strange that sometimes things dont go my way..

Or rather there's aways a turbulence suddenly without any notification..

it is past 1 in the afternoon..

And it will start to be hectic again later till night..

I seek not for the will to stay alive..

but the will to encounter whats coming soon..

p.s. -*Protect her and if there's a need to reverse the karma.. pls do so on me

It's just how it is suppose to be..

What is the point having a dozen stars to look upon the gloomy night at labuan,
When all I remember is the one and only one of the brightest star in klang,
Sometimes it is just hard to tell someone or the one whom you wish your heart could whisper to their,
It seriously feel sad when all i'm trying to do is to avoid people from regretting on the decision that they shouldn't had make..
It always remind me of the past..
which i want to get rid of but with no choice to live on with it,
I'm still thinking sometimes,
wondering are you thinking the same thing as i am,
are you still dwelling on the past,
Maybe both of us just decide to move on,
to know that love is not the only thing required in life, but fate is what determine most..
For now..
I'm just wishing that one day.. God would just give me a chance to protect the one whom i treasure most,
and hope that she knows that all said and done, it just sincerity that matters most..

Now and the past

When I look back into my previous post which accumulates to about 100 post..
I was laughing so hard at how I used to be.. It made me thought of what I had done since I started blogging during form 6...
Time do fly fast.. but still the past did not fly away.. I still can remember clearly what happen in those days,
Me being naive of loving someone so deep and just asking in return to be loved,
Me being lucky to have awesome friends which till now they are like my family,
Me being stupid for enjoying life and taking my studies for granted..
and Lastly, I realized one important which is I ask God a few request.. and indeed he did answered me..
Not immediately but it happen eventually.. all my request came through.. and he show me what my eyes could not see at first..

But now when I enter University.. there are a few individual whom spoke of their opinion of going to University is too enjoy,
and I was like pissed off with their thoughts as I know the feeling of being in the border or nothingness.
Almost losing everything due to the fact of enjoying too much instead of pursuing for my future..
and In University.. everything is different.. An average guy like me at Klang is Seriously(not joking) just an average guy.. but when it comes to being in uni... they thought i was like a smart ass.. but i wasn't...
and they thought I'm a nice guy which will help out anytime, any subject..
HELL NO!!!
Cause during the form 6 life, I learn that in some manner you gotta be acting selfish and dumb.. Cause it is seriously for your own good.. But for my awesome friends( you ppl know who i'm talking about)... I can pick the moon and seriously talk to it for you guys,
I could ramp a rampaging bull and say come on.. it's just a cow..
and I could even tell you how much i love you guys and show that i mean it in every part of my heart.. Not just bottom..
But the center of my heart is still left for the one and only woman.. so don't get jealous.. hahahaha

1 month

It's officially a month since I enter University,
Yesterday was the 5th.. it was like the time I left Klang..
It's just to fast to be true,
On the 4th.. I still remember that I woke up at 5 something,
Just to have one last Breakfast Meal with Joannes,Edmund,Lee Kiong and Sarah..
As Edmund always mention that I have never fetch him.. so that made me fetch him One last time
I reach his house Sharp at 6 in the morning and in order to achieve that a broke a few traffic rules..
and he Just finish bathing with a towel covering his lower body coming out to the gate to let me in..
It was epic.. haha.. and later after breakfast we all Went to loges's house to see him one last time
and he just woke up..
Man those memories were priceless..
And In 3 more months i'll be back..

20 years had past,
Memories been carved to many ,
Yet Memoirs of you guys remain deep in my heart..

When things Move on...

If I knew University life is going to make each one of us so busy,
During the last eight months together I wish I could have spend more time with you guys,
To just tell you guys how much you were too me,
It's easy to make new friends..
But it's hard to get Friends like you guys once in a lifetime,
Pursuing a degree may have given me a better option in life,
Yet knowing you guys been the best option given to me in this whole 20 years of life,
I was a fool to tell myself it's okay going somewhere far to further my studies,
It's freedom after all..
Yet three weeks have past just like that without you guys,
I tremble in loneliness,
I fear that I might just give up and return to the place where I truly belong,
But every time seeing those wall posts on each of you guys wall,
I was really glad that you guys enjoy Uni,
And it made me to not want to give up what I work so hard till now,
Some of you guys might think I'm nuisance for not setting my priorities right..
I know family are important..
I wish i could just tell you all face to face that I never told you that I lied telling you all that I prioritize Friends first rather than My family..
The truth was You been part of my family since we started to venture through hardship and enjoyment together during Form 6..
And about the girlfriend part.. I moved on and I really want to focus more on you guys as it's hard to tell when I got one in the near future and I don't want to choose to neglect either one side..

If I could exchange my life for anything,
All I ask is another nine months of memories with you guys..